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· Answering the question: 'How soon is now?'
· Alternative view: Dr Nafsika on sex on the first date
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The king of self-help dating books, The Rules, advised women not to sleep with men on the first date. Far from being mere idealistic claptrap, it seems the authors' advice has been vindicated by science.
New research has shown that better relationships grow out of situations which don't involve first-night sex.
So when your Mum's advice to 'remember who you are' rings in your ears after your sixth vodka on your first date, remember she may have had a very valid point.
The research, conducted in the UK, revealed that men who were willing to delay the start of a physical relationship were generally better long-term bets. Men who had sex within hours of meeting the girl were less likely to be around years later.
Now an academic at the LSE Centre for Philosophy has said that the best way for a woman to 'screen' potential life mates is to prolong the dating process.
"A male is assumed to always want to mate with a female, but a good male is more willing to pay the cost of a long courtship to claim the prize of mating," Dr Peter Sozou is reported as saying.
It sounds like good advice, and has been backed up by research published in the current Journal of Theoretical Biology. But Dr Sozou puts a bit of a dampener on things, by adding that the only way a woman can truly screen out all the 'bad' males is by simply not dating at all.
Not exactly a useful nugget for those of us on the lookout for Mr Right, as opposed to Mr Right Now.
And so, if we ignore the fail-safe method of a celibate life, but still want to find our true soulmate, how soon is it safe to do the 'beast with two backs', as Shakespeare so gracefully put it?
"There is no hard and fast rule," says relationship counsellor and lecturer Beth Fitzpatrick of Dublin's Access Counselling, who admits that she is "not one bit surprised" that research has proven the old adage to be true: a man won't respect a woman who yields too easily to his advances.
"Psychologically, it can have an effect on both of you if you have sex on the first night," she says. "How much will he appreciate you, but even more importantly, how much will you appreciate yourself afterwards?"
The 'how soon?' question is one that has been concerning the human race for centuries, and the arrival of the internet has provided the perfect outlet for the debate.
Meg, who started a heated debate on the wonderfully named plentyoffish.com dating site, begs for guidance from male readers:
"I have mostly male friends, and some of them have told me I can't have sex with a guy right away because then I'm not girlfriend material . . . what the hell does that mean? I am not 19 any more, and I know what I want.
"If I sleep with someone, even if it is right away, it's because I have felt some kind of connection, whether it be just intensely physical or just that kind of feeling like you've known them forever (and, no it doesn't happen all the time and I know the real thing when it does) and I'm not ashamed to go with it.
"So what gives with you men? Do you really go along with the cliché that there are women that you marry and women you just f---? I have more integrity than that. I have always believed that if I was myself -- honest and caring -- that the man would see who I really was, see my heart, and that would be all that mattered (plus the really great sex . . . lol)."
So, what does 'give' with men? Well, Meg got answers from both sides of the divide. "How the hell can I look down on someone and dismiss them when I'm doing the same thing?" replies one seemingly level-headed male.
The response from 'Restless One', also supporting Meg, is even more honest: "Having sex on the first date only proves three things: 1. That she is usually pretty horny so sex would happen often; 2. That you have the ability to turn her on fast because she is attracted to you and 3. That there will be few if any sexual "hang up" issues to deal with."
Restless One sounds like my kind of guy.
Or is he? I couldn't remember whether I was a 'first night' kinda girl or not, so I rang two of my exes. "Oh yes you did," said my handsome Galway man, and I blushed, even years later.
The second call was a bit more disconcerting. "Eh, I am not sure," said my lovely Leinster lad, even though it wasn't that long ago. "Was it the second, third or fourth night?"
I obviously made an impression there. I think I might be the girl who put the 'ex' into 'sex'.
But of course, there are also lots of guys out there who are still determined to marry a virgin, never mind date one, but the majority of Meg's respondents were, thankfully, a bit more realistic. Most were genuinely sympathetic to Meg's point of view, saying that any man who drops you because you slept with him immediately is shallow, and exercising double standards to boot.
But Beth Fitzpatrick says the first night rule is not a bad one at all, apart from the obvious health and pregnancy risks. "If you both connect, then why not let it go further before you sleep together? I don't mean you have to wait a year, but you should wait until you feel you know someone. How can you really know someone after just a few hours?"
It's not about being a 'prude', says Beth, it's more about accepting that sex is special, and very intimate, and therefore worth the wait.
"I don't believe it's right for a woman or a man to rush into it. But there are consequences to everything we do, so you need to know what feels right for you and what you are comfortable with -- if you are going to be ok with it afterwards, and if you can live with whatever the consequences are."
Co-author of The Rules Sherrie Schneider is adamant that allowing the men to chase is the only way to a successful relationship.
Men love a girl they can't get, Schneider said, writing about Jessica Simpson's on-off relationship with NFL player Tony Romo.
Schneider claimed Jessica is "too available" and men don't like that.
"When guys get instant gratification, the intrigue is over. If there's no chase, there's no challenge. It's too easy," says the best-selling author.
So, when it comes to issues around sex, maybe it really is a case of 'timing is everything'.
- Siobhan Cronin
